You Might Get a Kick Out of This

I got this in my email, and with all my trouble getting started in exercise, I thought this was great! Hope you enjoy.

> If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
> regular workout routine.
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
> purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
> football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
> go ahead and give it a try.
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
> trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
> instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
> it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
> waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond
> hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
> which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
> inspiring!
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
> chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
> monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me.
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank
> I hate that b*** * Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And
if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the D*** barbells or
> anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> choir director?
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
> even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
> I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
> over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


One Response

  1. I feel her pain. Getting to gym and exercising on a daily basis is so challenging. The snow is taller than my puppy and he hates the cold as much as I do, forget about walking outside until spring.

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